Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
