Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
