I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize