You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
