The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
