I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
