im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
