Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
