So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize