Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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