well I can't set my house on fire every night
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize