Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
