he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
