Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
