Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
