This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't deserve a penis
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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