i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
