just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
