You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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