the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
