I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize