Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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