I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
