Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
