Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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