dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
