Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
