i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
