This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
