don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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