i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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