do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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