I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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