take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
