Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
