the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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