There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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