i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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