You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize