I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
