He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
