I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
