I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
