Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
