forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
