Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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