if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The best revenge is premature balding
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
