I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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