True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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