if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
