dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
