legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
