I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
