I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
