my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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