I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
