I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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