First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
