Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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