Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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