Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
